Brian Altano is a stereotypical loud New Jersey-native member of the podcast. He has also appeared on Nintendo Voice Chat and Retronauts. He also wrote for Gamespy and their own independent gaming website, the Minus World, with Brian Miggles. He currently also appears every Monday on Up At Noon, playing a different character every week as part of the news segment and starring in the animated holiday specials as himself.
Brian is known for his signature catchphrase "BRAP BRAP". He also coined the phrases "How's it going?" and "Horse boots". He is a hardcore alcoholic and used to smoke both cigarettes and marijuana, but quit both of those, more recently cigarettes.
Brian loves two things, rap music and curvy women, both of which stem from him growing up on the East Coast. In terms of rap, he listens to mostly Wu Tang Clan and Biggie Smalls. He also has given advice on multiple occasions. This is his most famous bit of advice:
- When you got a girl with B or C cup titties/ a heart you gotta go bigger.
- Sometimes you gotta go with big ass boobies.
- Blow Job To End All Blow Jobs.
- Some pies don't cool down.
- Take care of your man and make sure he listens to The Comedy Button.
- Have a good night, put your horse boots on.
- Put your horse boots up in that pussy bitch.
- Don't ever follow Brian's advice.